Overcoming self-censorship

It’s Banned Books Week, and I’m trying to stop being a victim of censorship. Self-censorship.

Charlie and I took a flight to Canada shortly after 9/11. He was consistently waved through security, while I was stopped at every stage; as a young man with brown skin and a goatee, it was painfully obvious that I was being racially profiled. At one point, a security agent started methodically thumbing through my book, The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. Given his reaction, it was obvious to me that I’d made a mistake carrying something with “Assassin” in the title, and that for my own safety, I needed to be more cautious when flying, by avoiding “suspicious” books.

For the past seven years, I’ve been incredibly careful about the books I carry with me on planes, to avoid being seen as suspicious. Anything could give offense. For example, I wanted to give my grandfather in India a book on early Middle Eastern history; it pissed me off, but I self-censored at the last minute, worried about the consequences of taking it with me on a flight to India.

I’m now in Canada again for a few days, and for the first time since 9/11, I’ve worked up the courage to bring a “suspicious” book onto a plane: a copy of Igniting a Revolution: Voices in Defense of the Earth, a collection of articles about radical environmentalists. I’m not trying to prove any kind of a point by bringing it; I’d started reading the book at home, and just wanted to finish it.

I hope my tiny act of personal bravery doesn’t backfire, but I’m finally willing to take the chance. I’ve spent this decade self-censoring, out of fear of what people who have power over me might think. I’m heartsick, and I’ve had enough.

Posted by Anirvan

Comments

[Sara]

I think it's admirable that you fought the urge to self-censor. On the other hand, I wouldn't blame you for choosing to bring another book. It's a difficult fight, and the "right" behavior might not be the best choice for everyone in every given situation. It's so easy for me to say, "don't let the bastards get you down" from my privileged position as a non-profiled type. It's so unfortunate that you even have to spend time agonizing over this kind of thing!

[James Van Eaton]

Seems to be it's a matter of priorities. Is it more important to you that you be yourself (even when that has consequence in society) or that you feel unmolested (and not harshly judged) by others.
When I was in high school I had a teacher who showed us a film called something like "How to be a perfect person in just ten days."
The idea behind the movie is that you should do what you believe in and what makes you happy, regardless of what others think. To exemplify that ideal, the main character is asked to wear a club of Broccoli around his neck while he attends school, but not explain why.
Our teacher invited us to do the same thing, come to school wearing Broccoli around our necks and last the whole day without explaining why to anybody.
High school. Junior year.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't even work up the courage to ask my mom if we could run to the store.
And it has bothered me ever since.
So, what I'm saying is that I understand both sides, and I guess it's just a matter of the importance you place on either getting by or getting read to read whatever you damn well want.
That's all.
James

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